dasblut311's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FUCK KEVIN DeviantART. . . .yep I'm joining it. Another goddamn art gallery for my crappy works. T_T. I'm such a crappy artist. I'll tell you when I actually upload some shit. I really need to upload stuff. I just really need to start drawing more again. , .I've been very lazy when it comes to that lately. (Bad me?)or(Good me?). I'm not sure. Perhaps I need to have more confidence in my art. . .and be less competitive in everything. I need to be the best of the best in everything. I need to be the smartest, the most artistic, creative, have the best vocabulary, be most athletic, musical. . .most everything, and if I'm not I'm going to make it that way. That's one of my bad traits. I act all laid back don't tell anybody what I can and cannot do and then surprise them. In my old school everybody who knew me thought I'd be stupid (don't know why but they just thought I would be) and I'd shock them with knowing everything about anything. I don't know. I almost know everything there is to know about ancient history. A whole shit load about samurai and the Ronin era. I know the different parts of a spider. . .another words I hold a lot of useless information inside that no one else particuarly cares to know. And I know everything they know. ::shrugs::. I listen I observe I learn. I'm like a machine I suppose. And you know what's the sickest thing? If someone mentions something that I don't know about I keep my mouth shut and look it up and read about it until I know more than them. I have to-I feel the need to-know everything. I'm such a fucking loser. . .I'm a dork. Ah well. I'm going to kill Kevin KEVIN IS SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!! Poor Matt. ::huggles Matt::. Matt is one of my friends from my old school (a very gay friend at that) that was dating Kevin (another friend from my old school) whom I haven't seen in over a half a year. Sure I get a few e-mails from them once in a while. But today Matt found my phone# somewhere and called me. I was in total shock when I heard his voice over the line. His meek small voice, painfully shy and drenched in anguish. So of course I say 'What's up. . . .are you ok? Hows Kevin'. . .Silence. 'that's what I'm calling you about. . . .nobody else understands.' 'Matt what are you talking about.' At this point I was getting anxious. 'Well (he starts crying). . .' I could just see those crystal tears pouring from his emerald eyes onto his copper skin. It's such a sad site to see him cry. Even if you know that he's the one that's wrong you can't help but to feel bad for him. Matt's just so nieve and trusting. . .he's just so damn innocent and Kevin took advantage of that. 'Well what? Matt? What did he do? what the fuck did he do?' ((silence)). . .'Well. . .you know. . .you know how he said that since me and him are in separate schools now that he wanted to start seeing other people?'. . . .'eh. . .yes. That was last year that he told you that. Matt what did he fucking do?!?!!!!!!!'. . .'and you know how also he promised that there wouldn't be any intimacy between those other people? Well he broke that promise. I don't know what to say to him or do. . .and. . .and I thought that you'd know.'. . .'So after screwing with you for about 2 fucking years he went and fucked some other person? Maybe you should end it Matt. Yea Kevin is my friend, and has been a friend for a while but I think that you're too good for him. You should move on. I know that Kevin was your first and only but that can't be everything. . .you know? He doesn't treat you right. all that he cares about is his dick nothing else nothing more.'. . .((silence))'But. . .he told me that he loved me.'. . .'::sigh:: Matt he doesn't treat you right. If he truly loved you he wouldn't do this to you. He wouldn't go around breaking promises and hurting you over and over again. I can't stand to know that you're crying Matt and it angers me that he's the one that is consistantly making you cry. It pisses me off to know end you have no idea. You need to end it.'. . .'Kerry you wouldn't understand about a first you've never. . .'. . .'Yes that's right I am a virgin and proud of it too. But still I have friends that have gone through the same kind of shit. And you know what love is matt? It's eternal lust. And obviously other people can make up for that lust in his life. You care for him a lot more than he cares for you.'. . . .'But you know what happened last time. . .'. . .'Yes I do know what happened last time, but you just need to hold your ground. you need to tell him Kevin you treat me like fucking crap. I'm not going to be here for you to fuck anymore. Why? Because obviously you can find other people to to fill in for me.'. . .'I can't do it without you though. I couldn't have done it without you. . .(more crying). Why did you have to move?'. . .'Why because my parents fucking hate eachother. That just proves that love sometimes isnt' really there. It's just something to hope for and believe that it's there. . .even when it really isn't. And you need to do it without me Matt. . .you can't count on me forever ok? End it.'. . .'Ok. Thanks. . .I'll try. bye'. . .'Bye. . .good luck ::sigh::'. even though that conversation with him was depressing and upsetting it meant a lot to me. someone actually needed me for once in my life. God I hope Matt can do it without me. He needs to end this 'relationship' with Kevin. . .it's unhealthy. Right now I feel so bitter towards Kevin (even though we've been friends for a while). . .I feel like marching up to Pawling and kicking his ass. I probably could. I don't care that he's the 'toughest' guy in school. . .I know his weaknesses. However right now I feel guilty. . .why? Because I know Kevin does love Matt in his own demented way. It's just he's a fucking asshole and doesn't know how to treat people and take their emotions into consideration. But I think I did the right thing (did i?). . .telling matt that it's not love that kevin feels. . .otherwise he's have some unrealistic hope that Kevin will be his knight in shining armour one day and everything will change. Well I am going to go around being a loser like I am and ya da ya da ya da. †Inka† 9:19 p.m. - 2003-02-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||